Life After Superman

I saw a pre–teen George, perusing the shelves of his local video rental store.

Sorry, just a quick side note for the kids: yes children, there were once entire businesses centered around the leasing of video tapes and charging of nonsensical late fees… What do you mean “what are video tapes?” Never mind. I digress.

Little George looked as though he would be sick! For there was his lifelong hero, the Christopher Reeve Superman, on a movie poster for the not–so–kid–friendly flick: Village of the Damned. I asked my older brother, standing there with me, two questions:

How come they were allowed to put a cuss word on a movie poster?
And why was Superman in it?

I don't remember why he said they were allowed to print the D–word on the poster. Frankly, I was probably the only kid to give a damn. But he answered my second question with a question of his own.

“What else can you do after being Superman?”

At the time, I didn't fully understand what he meant. But now, with Dylan Dog staring me down, it made perfect sense. Superman is arguably one of the greatest superheroes of all time. Those are very tough, very red, boots to fill. What role would dare follow? Certainly not Dylan Dog. Which begs another question; is there life after Superman?

I got all Lois Lane and began my own, and possibly the only, investigation into the men behind/in front of the cape. And since it was 3PM and I was still in my pajamas, I decided to catalogue my findings, for posterity, in hopes that the next Last Son of Krypton lands on his feet… again, not a lot of hobbies.

Kirk Alyn Superman (1948)

He was the first actor to play Superman on the silver screen and ended his career with this gem: Scalps, a film about a college student that goes around killing (and presumably scalping?) his friends because he's possessed by an evil “Indigenous” spirit. I'm assuming that some of the dialog is, ahem, dated and and if you have an aversion to political incorrectness then you should probably skip this one. Actually, everyone should probably just skip this one.

Christopher Reeve Superman (1978)

My personal fave, unfortunately superheroed himself right out of a job after ushering in world peace and nuclear proliferation in his fourth franchise installment. Should he have held out for a fifth? You know what they say, damned if you do, Village of the Damned if you don't; yet another movie with small towns, aliens, babies, freaky little children – you know the drill.

Dean Cane Superman (1993)

Dean Cane has gone full blown horror. Didn't think anything could make you squirm more than the last season of Lois & Clark? Enter New Alcatraz stage left! The gripping tale of a colossal rogue snake on a mission to overtake an Arctic prison. I should note that no ginormous serpents were harmed in the making of this film.

Shaquille O'Neal Superman(ish) (1997)

Steel is as much a Superman flick as Scary Movie is a horror film. But I had to mention it. Loosely based, (and I use the term loosely, loosely) on a character that once filled in for our beloved Big Blue while Supes was laboring through the arduous process of self–resurrection. Almost a decade later Shaq played himself in Scary Movie 4. It could be argued that Shaq's acting abilities are so difficult to watch that every movie he stars in should be filed away, buried actually, under the horror section. Some people might say that, but not me Shaq, and certainly never to your face.

Tom Welling Superman (2001)

More like Super–boy, really. He explored Superman's true weakness — peer pressure, in the teen drama Smallville. Chased that role with The Fog, a horror movie about… you guessed it, the fog. And not just any fog, Oregon fog! But if you ask me, downtown Portland after 10PM is where the real excitement's at!

Brandon Routh Superman (2006)

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night is also based on a comic. Just imagine if Dog the Bounty Hunter was from the Bayou and instead of searching for perps that skip bail, he tracks werewolves and vampires… Well shoot, this is starting to sound better and better!

Henry Cavill Superman (2013)

Our latest contender debuted his rendition of the Man of Steel with two impressively horrific titles already tucked snuggly under his bright yellow belt which included the likes of Hellraiser himself (speaking of movie posters that scared the KRAP-to-nite out of me as a kid) and an occultist Nazi (because regular Nazis aren't evil enough).

As of this writing, Mr. Cavill is still (re)releasing Superman movies and thus, has yet to regress into past transgressions. Or has he broken the curse of Krypton? Only time will tell. If I could get a single message to Henry it would be this: There is no shame in doing Superman for the rest of your life.

An exception to the rule?

Now, I know that a lot ^ one of you is wondering about the greatest of them all — 1950s T.V. superstar superman George Reeves. He did what the others could not. He made an entire career out of being The Man of Steel and practically LIVED the role. He even quit smoking. In the 50s! And judging by my data he made the right choice (for both his career and lungs). But did he ever waiver? Could he resist the temptation to explore the darkness within? Well, sadly he was cut down too soon at just 45 years of age. I guess some questions are better left unanswered…

However! Just before his own mysterious death in 1959, it was rumored that Mr. Reeves was looking for investors to back a script that he had written and also hoped to star in. What kind of script you ask? Sci–fi baby! And you best believe it would have been horrific, both in genre and box office numbers. God rest his soul.

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There you have it. My work here is done. Was it a huge waste of time? Perhaps. But I may have just found myself a new hobby – writing for truth, justice, and the American way!